"Le Walrus!" by DEV

Hello dudes! Dev here.

So Ark and I have been writing a few "short stories" I wanted to share with y'all. (And since Ark isn't home yet, I'm gonna take all the credit for these.)

(le walrus about to tell you awesomazing stories.)

WARNING: These are pretty badass stories. So If you find yourself copying them for whatever reason, I won't blame you. (but I WILL find you and do horrible stuff with you.)

STORY GUIDE: The blue parts were written by Ark and the red ones were written by meh.

Gentlemen, I present to you... the first story.

It doesn't have a title, so I'll just call it "Janice":

"Janice woke up one day finding she no longer had legs. Everything was silent so she started screaming like a walrus."

THE END.

Wasn't that spectacular? That's what a genius like me can come up with. Y'all ready for the next one???

Here's the next one. It's kinda longer, and I'll be calling it "Linda":

Fred came home one night, bleeding. He was feeling lightheaded at work today. He started looking for his wife; he tried the kitchen, but no luck.

Women no longer stayed in the kitchen. He looked under the carpet: Opened the secret door and looked for her in the basement. There she was, eating a carrot. "What are you doing down here, hon?"

"Eating a carrot," the wife answered.

"A carrot?" he asked smugly. "Don't you see I'm bleeding, bitch?"

"I bleed twelve times a year, you sure are special." she said.

"I don't see your stomach bleeding that often." He took her carrot and slammed it to the floor.

"I don't see your crotch bleeding that often either!" she took his briefcase and threw it out the 2nd floor window.

The man stared at her, puzzled how she threw his briefcase from the second floor when they were in the basement.

"Sorcery," she said. "You've been gone a long time honey."

"I'm sorry. Witch hunters have been everywhere."

"Yeah, get a load of the Chinese brothers up the hill, they killed Linda in the woods last month."

"Linda??" The man glanced slightly at the carrot that started crawling away. "But..we've been having an affair!"

"Fred," she said. "if you're gonna make up affairs, don't involve 82-year old women."

"I...have specific fetishes." The couple turned their head as Linda walked down the stairs--in seven different pieces.

"Hey Fred! Hey Sarah!" the pieces cheered in unison.

"So, Linda." Sarah said in a suspicious tone. "Which intestine did Fred fuck?"

"I'm not sure! I have four intestines!"

THE END.

I know we're definitely on to something here. It's like we've created two brilliant lite..litter...literay..literary masterfuckingpieces. And I'm PROUD O' THAT.