"Into the Woods!" by DEV

We can't really call this a movie review, 'cause I'm only planning to list down all of the things I liked about the Into the Woods film.

But that's just how biased I am when it comes to awesomazing musicals turned into Hollywood movies.

So here it is, my list of reasons why the Into The Woods film rocked, and why you should probably see it too.

1. I watched this movie-musical with a critical eye, comparing every second of it to the Broadway version, but it still surprised me! Like whoa, it's pretty good!

2. The cast were adorable. And funny. And convincing. And some of them were perfect for their roles.

3. Like Meryl effin' Streep! For a second there, she actually made me sympathize with her Witch character by singing a painful rendition of "Stay With Me." Then she wrecked that sissy emotional connection by reminding me of her evil, and cutting Rapunzel's hair.

And just look at that transformation. As her own character said: "Oh. My. God."

4. Anna Kendrick! She brought a lot of her own personality to the Cinderella character, but with this, she made me love the princess for the first time.

5. Emily Blunt! This woman was so entertaining on so many different levels.

And the way she swooned over Cinderella's prince when he kissed her was exactly how anyone would react if a prince ever kissed them. Questioning her morality and existence and shit.

6. Chris Pine! For someone who sings a lot better than me, it's funny to hear that he was shy about his singing voice. Like dude, I shatter people's ears all the time! Be proud that you even have a singing voice!

7. Little Gavroche from Les Miserable may have died, but he somehow managed to scurry over to another film, this time playing a familiar role of Jack. Yeah, the one with the magic beans and the habit of slaying giants.

8. Johnny Depp was okay for his role. Classic Depp. He didn't look much like a sexual offender, and I guess that's a good thing.

(Unless the evil wolf mustache turns you off.)

9. Milky White! This cow should win an Oscar.

10. Most of the songs were done right. Personal faves were "On the Steps of the Palace," "Stay With Me," and "Agony."

(My princess runs faster than my horse. Your argument is invalid.)

11. A lot of the lines were funny. You should watch the movie before I start reenacting the scenes for you.

12. The effects were glorious. It catered for the Witch's habit of making dramatic entrances and exits. Everything looked magical and dark and natural. You know, like a Disney movie.

Just one complaint, they never sang First Midnight (and I understand why).

Overall, this movie is something people will enjoy, whether they're a fan of the Broadway version or not. There are scenes that feel too long and boring, but a lot of times, this movie will not only catch your attention, but also captivate your cold heart.

As one reviewer said, "in a world where no one believes in a happy ending, this is the fairy tale we need."

(for generally unbiased reviews of this same film, you should probably visit: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/into_the_woods_2014/ instead)

"What Spills Human Blood" by ARK

In the years I've spent flying around, observing human beings, there is one thing that always struck me as bothering: Earth is a bloody place.

A lot of times, I'd see people gathering around, whispering about some poor victim, lying on the cold, concrete pavement. I'm always compelled to ask: "What spilled this person's blood?"

In fact, I've listed them down. The most common causes of human death and injury, at least, according to my experience.


1. Murder.

Well, this is a given. According to the ever-reliable world of Team Fortress 2, "'Cause at the end of the day, long as there are two people left on this planet, someone is gonna want someone dead." That sums it up.


Common motives: Jealousy (somebody's lover was stolen by someone else, so somebody killed somebody else); Heated Arguments (someone went out drinking with someone else, and they got into a fight); and "For-the-heck-of-it."








2. Road Accidents.

Because some ass couldn't drive properly. (It could be you.)

Common causes: Drunk Driving (someone stayed out too late, got too drunk, and got too happy while driving), Sleepy Driving (someone should have stayed in bed instead), and Speeding (someone was 0 to 60 in 3.5)



3. Accidents in General.

Sometimes, even if you are very careful not to hurt yourself, life will find a way to injure you.

Common causes: Sheer misfortune (someone never found the four-leaf clover), Poorly constructed buildings (someone corrupted the funds), Stray bullets (someone shouldn't own a gun)




4. FIRE.

Some men just want to watch the world burn. But most of the time, people who are left homeless because of fires are unwilling victims.

Common causes: Faulty Wiring (someone said it was the wire's fault), Stoves (someone left the stove open), Candles (some candle tipped over.)

Common situation: Victims' houses are often made of light materials, and are usually built dangerously close to the neighbor's.




5. Crime in General.

Because if justice doesn't work, crime does pay.

Common tactics: Robbery (someone didn't want to leave a trace), Riding-in-Tandem Gunmen (someone wanted someone else dead and payed to see it done), Killing Spree (someone should have went on a shopping spree instead)




6. Nature's Wrath.

When even the world is mad at you, there's nothing to do but run and pray.

Common examples: Storms, Earthquakes, Landslides, Tsunamis, Wild Animals, and the Occasional Lightning Strike.

(Occasional.)

With all these said, we come to one conclusion, the world is trying to kill us all. It's a dangerous place to live in, and it is reminding us that this is not the world we want to stay in forever.

Final reminder, I guess we can only stay careful and hope for the best.

"Gaga and Adele!" by DEV

Stare at this monstrous masterpiece like you would with a slice of pizza.

This seemingly harmless selfie has taken the pop world by storm. It has caused mild seizures, and spontaneous combustion for all the fans who couldn't handle their excitement.

Yes, it's a selfie of Adele and Lady Gaga.

 

(arguably comparable to this beauty right here.)

But what's causing all this buzz is more than just the people in the picture, but what the picture could possibly mean.

"Oh, but Dev, it's just a selfie of two super famous singers. It's no big deal."

Well YOU'RE WRONG, because this is bigger than a multimillion dollar drug deal. Which means it's one heck of a big f****** deal.

Because people are now speculating that these two might COLLABORATE.

And I looked it up: a collaboration is something when people work together and shit.

Which means these two could blow up the entire planet with sheer epicness!

 

(Fig. 1.1 the planet blowing up with Lady Gaga and Adele's epicness)

Well, of course, not everyone is a fan... but who cares? When these two massive stars collide, it's bound to relocate the Milky Way!

Imagine how these two would sound together. I have no idea what they'd come up with, but I bet it's something unique.

It's Tekken Tag Tournament 2 all over again, but this time, with two of the brightest names in the pop scene. And I, for one, love it.

 

(Fig. 1.2 Lady Gaga and Adele beating up Jin Kazama. Totes legit, bros.)

This mere idea that Lady Gaga and Adele *might* collaborate has spawned several online articles, proving why this just might happen, and how this might work.

And what's up with this caption? "Nothing like a Wednesday night bro-down with the beautiful Adele."

What the heck does "bro-down" even mean? Does a bro go down on you? I doubt it. People say this is code for "we're collaborating."

But whatever it means, it had me excited. As an avid pop fan, this is the best rumor I've heard today.

What do you think? Are they coming up with the best collaboration ever? Or is everyone just going insane?

 

(Fig. 1.3 side effects of the Gaga-Adele hype)

 

"The Pope" by ARK

Sometimes we meet certain people and we get confused whether they're humans or angels in
disguise. Pope Francis is one of those people.

Here are a few reasons why the current Pope is my favorite Pope:

1. He spoke out about respecting the members of the LGBT community.

"If someone is gay and seeks the Lord with good will, who am I to judge?"

-Pope Francis, on his return flight to Brazil-

2. He reassured atheists that they don't have to believe in God to go to Heaven.

In an open letter to the La Repubblica newspaper, he said that God would forgive non-believers if they had a clean conscience.

3. He said the Big Bang and Evolution theories do not counter the story of Creation, but instead supports it.

4. He would rather be a "loving parent" than a "nagging parent."

5. He replaced the pope's throne with a simple chair. And when a kid walked up to sit on it, he allowed him to stay. He also did this when a child hugged him while he was giving out a sermon.



6. He hugged Vinicio Riva. And according to Vinicio himself, it was "like paradise."

7. His smile is adorable.

8. When he visited the Philippines, the crime rate dropped significantly.

9. He blesses unwed mothers, and basically anyone else who wants to be blessed.

10. He believes that the Church is a big, welcoming tent... something it hasn't felt like for quite a long time.

I honestly hope that this man inspires more people. He believes that love and acceptance is more important than rules and religious beliefs.

The way he is revolutionizing the Church is a beautiful sight to witness.

"2015!" by DEV and ARK

DEV: It's 2015! Now's a great time to list down all the lies we plan to tell ourselves for this new year.





 
ARK: They're called resolutions.







 
DEV: Yeah, yeah. Alright. Let's start. These are all our resulations for 2015!

DEV AND ARK'S OFFICIAL LIST OF RESOLUTIONS FOR 2015!

DEV: I'll start!

First things first, this year I'll turn into a dragon! Ark here tells me I couldn't do it, but we'll wipe that smug look off his face when I go all Smaug on him. BWAHAHAHA.

 

(Really, does anyone doubt our resemblance?)

Next off, I'll be learning how to trickstab this year! Yes, I'm talking about Team Fortress 2. And yes, I know how to trickstab. But this year, I'll master it fo' shoo!

I'll be one, annoying, cheese-eating, master-stabbin' French man.

 

(That'll be me, in the air, like a graceful fucking DRAGON)

And lastly, I shall learn how to play the bongos.

 

(When you're a high-flying, trickstabbin' dragon, the only thing that's keeping you from perfection is your lack of knowledge of Bongos.)

ARK: That's not how you do resolutions, Dev. But here's mine.

This year, I will keep writing my novel until I break my own record. Dare I say it, I will FINISH this novel. Well, probably the draft, but that's progress.

 

This year, I'll gain weight. Ha. I can't imagine myself getting fat, but I'll try and put on a few more pounds. Because flying's too hard when you can't keep your wings straight.

Dev and I are also going to try our best to keep this blog updated, 'cause honestly, we kinda miss this place. We'll stay here on Earth for as long as we can!