(*gasps* Intimacy?!)
Here are a few tips, tricks, and cheat codes to make that romantic night even more memorable than you are capable of making it.
"Totally Legit Dating Tips" by DEV
1. Disguise as a celebrity.
The cardinal rule in dating is to make a good first impression. So if you show up to your date wearing nothing on your face, but your face, then you're doing it wrong.
The cardinal rule in dating is to make a good first impression. So if you show up to your date wearing nothing on your face, but your face, then you're doing it wrong.
Dress like a star. Better yet, sneak into your chosen celebrity's home and steal their clothing. Include jewelry.
("Hi, Lindsay Lohan. I came to steal your clothes.")
Next, print out a mask (make sure the new face looks better than yours) and attach rubber bands to the sides. Spray on some perfume and you are ready to go!
(Adam Levine mask is a hit with the ladies.)
Additional tip: You don't have to wear it all throughout the date, if you're concerned with "being yourself" and all that crap. You just have to make a decent first impression.
("Oh, shit. Lindsay's calling the cops.")
2. Wear a chicken suit.
Another way to nab that 'wow factor' right from the very start is to resemble a chicken. You can choose between the regular, feathery chicken, or the fried version. Why? Because people love chicken, duh.
(Dat sex appeal.)
3. Wink every now and then.
Winking is like blinking, only lazier. You do it with just an eye. But this simple action can "turn on" your partner.
And by "turn on," I mean you can alert him to the presence of drugs in your purse or bag. That's sure to impress any date. Unless he's a cop.
Additional tip: You can take this one step further by winking every three seconds, and then gradually speeding it up, eventually achieving a seizure. Foam in the mouth for bonus points.
4. Be a gentleman.
Before sitting at the dining table, be sure to pull a chair for your date. This is a sign of courtesy. You can surprise your partner by pulling it away from her as she sits. Try not to laugh as she falls to the floor, and gently help her get back up.
5. Be kind to the waiter.
Just as how you should try to be kind to everyone, you must be kind to the people who serve your food. Not only can they totally mess with the things that are going into your mouth, they also deserve respect.
Be extra nice to the waiter. Invite him over and let him eat with you. Ignore his angry manager.
Get to know him. Ask him if he can go see a movie with you some time.
Additional tip: You can choose the non-conventional method. Have the waiter sit with your date, while you go do his job for him. That's a great way to be nice. Your date will appreciate that.
6. Pick a special movie.
The proper way to pick a movie is to choose one that both of you will like. Try Terminator. Everyone loves that shit.
You can go the cheesy way by selecting a romantic movie, but that's one fucking boring idea. Might as well puke rainbows on your partner.
7. Reject every kiss attempt.
So you see your date closing her eyes and leaning in for a smoocher. What do you do???
This one is important. You can choose to be the victim, or you can do the right thing and punch your partner in the face. Avoid all forms of intimacy.
Don't kiss before marriage. Don't touch her hand. Don't even look at her. Stay at home, if you can. Why are you even dating???
8. Escort her home.
In one piece, if you may.
Then quarantine your date, and run the hell away. What were you thinking?
Stay pure, folks!
And by "turn on," I mean you can alert him to the presence of drugs in your purse or bag. That's sure to impress any date. Unless he's a cop.
Additional tip: You can take this one step further by winking every three seconds, and then gradually speeding it up, eventually achieving a seizure. Foam in the mouth for bonus points.
(This trick also works if your date turns out to be a cop.)
4. Be a gentleman.
Before sitting at the dining table, be sure to pull a chair for your date. This is a sign of courtesy. You can surprise your partner by pulling it away from her as she sits. Try not to laugh as she falls to the floor, and gently help her get back up.
5. Be kind to the waiter.
Be extra nice to the waiter. Invite him over and let him eat with you. Ignore his angry manager.
Get to know him. Ask him if he can go see a movie with you some time.
Additional tip: You can choose the non-conventional method. Have the waiter sit with your date, while you go do his job for him. That's a great way to be nice. Your date will appreciate that.
6. Pick a special movie.
The proper way to pick a movie is to choose one that both of you will like. Try Terminator. Everyone loves that shit.
(The face of romance.)
7. Reject every kiss attempt.
So you see your date closing her eyes and leaning in for a smoocher. What do you do???
This one is important. You can choose to be the victim, or you can do the right thing and punch your partner in the face. Avoid all forms of intimacy.
("Keep those lips to yourself, Arnold.")
Don't kiss before marriage. Don't touch her hand. Don't even look at her. Stay at home, if you can. Why are you even dating???
8. Escort her home.
In one piece, if you may.
Then quarantine your date, and run the hell away. What were you thinking?
Stay pure, folks!
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