"Elevators!" by DEV

The cooler title would be: "Dev's Elaborate Explanation of Why He Hates Elevators" or "I Hate Elevators! by DEV"

...but I hate it too much to even give this a cool title.

SOOOOOOOOOO. I'll just get on with the list, 'cause elevators made me too damn tired tonight!

The Five Reasons I HATE Elevators:

1. They take your soul away!

-> Not that I have a soul or anything. But you do know what I'm talking about, right?? It's when you ride a frickin' elevator and it goes up, and it's like your soul didn't leave with you. Or when it goes down and it leaves your soul on the 200th floor.

(Or worse, you meet your evil father inside one.)

2. They pretend to be airplanes!

-> That's when the elevator from hell drags you down so quickly that you swear you've reached the Underworld. It gives you a painful feeling in your ear that you can't get rid of even if you open your mouth. It's the same as when you ride a plane and it flies for the first time. Elevators pretend to be planes and give you THIS exact pain...without the actual joy of flight. Poser.

3. They're confusing!

-> Corporate corporations have this system of dividing the elevators into groups. Some elevators go from the first to the fifth floors. Some go to the depths of the ocean. Some go to Dora's house. And you know what??? The whole system's confusing! I like riding the death machines with a bit of peace of mind, don't you?

(or the other way around. That's up to you.)

4. They're flat-out creepy!

-> An enclosed metal coffin that traps you as it takes your soul away...the perfect setting for the ultimate ghost scare. It's like anytime, they can pop out and give you a daytime nightmare. But just so you know, I'm NOT scared of elevators. They try killing me, but I'm not scared of them.

5. They try eating you!

-> When you're running late for work and the only way to get there soon enough is to take the death express, the best way to get yourself killed is by trying to catch a closing elevator door. Many people have been victimized. The elevators are slowly developing a digestive system, but right now, it's definitely grown some teeth! They've been chewing people with passion.

WITH THAT IN MIND

....