"The Path to Happiness" by ARK

"Iced tea has got to be the true path to happiness."

                                                                                                                                -Bob Marley-

Listen, nobody really knows where their road will end, okay?

So seeking out our final destination is rather pointless. We waste so much time looking and waiting for happiness that we forget how it is to be happy with the present.

We've got to be happy now...with what we have. :)

Some people don't know even know where they stand. I know what you're thinking. "Ark, how can I be happy with this road I'm on if I don't even know where I am?"

Here's the thing, you have to stop trying...for now at least. It's not about identifying the road. Doing that just drains a lot of energy. It's about feeling the atmosphere. Do you feel safe? Are you comfortable with what's happening to you?

If you are, then good. You may continue your journey of finding more happiness. During this journey, develop a sense for what the positive energy feels like. It's different for every person, so that is up for you to find out. Does planting trees lift your mood? Do you like listening to music? Do you find happiness in murdering children? I guess you don't always have to be happy. But do find time to assess what gives you the mood boost.

If you don't feel comfortable where you are, then move along. Sometimes you have to leave behind things that are sapping you too much. That's when you'll feel free to be happy.

So don't stress yourself out. Nobody knows where the ultimate happiness is. Don't waste energy fearing regrets. Everybody has something they regret. Don't let past mistakes eat you up, and don't be afraid of the ones you are yet to make.

Now. Find your happiness now.

"Le Walrus!" by DEV

Hello dudes! Dev here.

So Ark and I have been writing a few "short stories" I wanted to share with y'all. (And since Ark isn't home yet, I'm gonna take all the credit for these.)

(le walrus about to tell you awesomazing stories.)

WARNING: These are pretty badass stories. So If you find yourself copying them for whatever reason, I won't blame you. (but I WILL find you and do horrible stuff with you.)

STORY GUIDE: The blue parts were written by Ark and the red ones were written by meh.

Gentlemen, I present to you... the first story.

It doesn't have a title, so I'll just call it "Janice":

"Janice woke up one day finding she no longer had legs. Everything was silent so she started screaming like a walrus."

THE END.

Wasn't that spectacular? That's what a genius like me can come up with. Y'all ready for the next one???

Here's the next one. It's kinda longer, and I'll be calling it "Linda":

Fred came home one night, bleeding. He was feeling lightheaded at work today. He started looking for his wife; he tried the kitchen, but no luck.

Women no longer stayed in the kitchen. He looked under the carpet: Opened the secret door and looked for her in the basement. There she was, eating a carrot. "What are you doing down here, hon?"

"Eating a carrot," the wife answered.

"A carrot?" he asked smugly. "Don't you see I'm bleeding, bitch?"

"I bleed twelve times a year, you sure are special." she said.

"I don't see your stomach bleeding that often." He took her carrot and slammed it to the floor.

"I don't see your crotch bleeding that often either!" she took his briefcase and threw it out the 2nd floor window.

The man stared at her, puzzled how she threw his briefcase from the second floor when they were in the basement.

"Sorcery," she said. "You've been gone a long time honey."

"I'm sorry. Witch hunters have been everywhere."

"Yeah, get a load of the Chinese brothers up the hill, they killed Linda in the woods last month."

"Linda??" The man glanced slightly at the carrot that started crawling away. "But..we've been having an affair!"

"Fred," she said. "if you're gonna make up affairs, don't involve 82-year old women."

"I...have specific fetishes." The couple turned their head as Linda walked down the stairs--in seven different pieces.

"Hey Fred! Hey Sarah!" the pieces cheered in unison.

"So, Linda." Sarah said in a suspicious tone. "Which intestine did Fred fuck?"

"I'm not sure! I have four intestines!"

THE END.

I know we're definitely on to something here. It's like we've created two brilliant lite..litter...literay..literary masterfuckingpieces. And I'm PROUD O' THAT.

"Gadgets" by MAX

Earth Invasion Report: We shall totally dominate them with our supreme technology.

Dev, the non-human specie residing in this apartment, recently got a hold of what he calls "a fine piece of technology."

I call it Earth trash.

Martians, the humans on this planet have technology so primitive, they do not even have holographic devices! Fools. Holographs are extremely easy to invent. Perhaps the human brain is incapable of grasping such a concept?

And yet here they are, completely impressed by their so-called gadgets.

Dev's phone has the touch screen feature, something that was invented by our ancestors a very, very long time ago. If we were to search our history files, we would see that it has been part of our Martian culture longer than fire has existed here on Earth.

I must admit the scarcity of technological items here upsets me. If I were to receive the proper command, I would be able to dominate this planet single-handedly.

Their most feared weapon of "destruction" is an atomic bomb. Something so feared, that Ark warned me not to blog about it. But we Martians have created air-based barriers that make these "weapons" utterly useless.

Another thing I have noticed about the scientific advancements of this planet, is that they have no contact to the Sun at all.

Yes. I find this quite unbelievable, because us Martians have been to the Sun over a million times. We have even created a Martians base there. It is like our second home. Earth is a planet where HeatProof clothing do not exist. May I suggest introducing the HeatProof clothing line to the humans?

They seem to be proud of a mysterious technological force they call the "Internet." Dev said it is the best thing there is on this planet. But if it were so great, why do most of their gadgets lose connection to the Internet when away from a WiFi zone?

My hypothesis is that the Internet sucks.

(Fig. 53. I may be wrong.)

Martian technology have no limits. Therefore they are in a state of perfection. Ark seemed interested when I told him that Martians don't require such a "WiFi zone." He showed signs of being "grossed out" when I told him we have chips implanted into our brains that can access a great source of intergalactic knowledge.

The only planet that is yet to be documented in this chip is Earth, and now I can see why. This planet is so primitive, the chips don't work here. Imagine my fellow Martians, their all-powerful Internet is shared by every human inhabitant, whereas we have more information stacked in a single one of our chips.

(Fig. 15. One chip contains information equivalent to the Earth's Internet.)

Besides, their Internet has been filled with irrelevant images of cats. (Cats are Earth creatures resembling the dangerous "Tigerlion" of our planet. Despite lacking the Tigerlion's strength and ferocity, it does have a nasty, evil attitude I want to study further in the future.)

(Fig. 12. pure evil.)

(Side Note: the resident "Cat" in this household has quite an evil attitude as well. This creature may be the most dangerous deity in this planet.)

The most fascinating invention in this planet however, are the "blenders." Odd, but the blenders are capable of creating weird-colored refreshments. These are "the bomb," as Dev would put it.

(Fig. 26. weird-colored refreshments)