"Animal Zodiac!" by DEV

I have a new job! Yup, you heard it right peeps. I am now... A FORTUNETELLER! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm awesome that way.

Since I have nothin' else to do with all my angelic powers, I decided to make money out of it! I know I'm smart. Now that I can "see" the future, I'll use it to give advice to ya'll for the new year!

Let's see... Let's start with the animals. Here are my predictions and advice for all you creatures.

(I don't get this picture. Animals are NOT that cute.)

Rat: Bad luck will haunt your sewers. I suggest transferring to a different location, like say, France? Take up some culinary while you're at it. By the way, cheese will cost more in 2013, so now is the right time to stock up on some dairy.

Ox: It's gonna be a rough year for you. People will be more confused with your appearance. Some will mistake you for a cow, or a bull or something. But you will never hear anyone calling you an ox. I feel you bro'. So don't sweat it.

(letting Dogs ride on your back is a good way of bringing luck to yourself. But you have to be in India.)

Tiger: You may still be frustrated that you didn't get that mane you wanted for Christmas. Maybe it's time to accept that you're a TIGER not a LION. And though you're still very awezome, you'll always stay in the shadow of the king of the jungle. Try ruling somewhere else maybe?

Just keep your distance from them lions and laugh as they look like clowns with those wild manes.

Rabbit: I just found out your weird habit of floating on water, you floating little weirdo! STOP TAKING FRICKIN' BATHS! You're already TOO FLUFFY!!! Lucky color: Brown.

Dragon: Do I have to do this? Like really? We all know dragons are already extinct right? So let's skip this--OH MY FRICKIN' GOSH WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!?!?! Okay, this fire-breathing DRAGON just literally swooped down low from the sky and smashed our ceiling! Whew...he's gone now. No time to give a reading for that fella.

Snake: It's your year!!! Literally. You own the year. It's zodiac rules. It's like we have to pay rent for staying in the same year or something...

Horse: You will grow tired of running and begin doubting your very existence. You must channel all your chi into a different hobby from now on, or else you'll get suicidal. Try knitting, or scuba diving. It's cool.

Sheep or Ram: You'll be more confused than ox, because you have to share the same spot. Research is being conducted as to which animal is supposed to have the spot on the zodiac calendar. I suggest just getting along and enjoying the exposure. Lucky stone: Philosopher's stone.

Monkey: This is getting boring for everyone, so I'll just tell you your lucky number: It's the value of Pi. No, really. Compute the value of Pi. THAT'S YOUR LUCKY NUMBER. Base all your important life decisions on that stupid number and life might go on smoothly.

Rooster: Run!!! Tis' the season to cook chickens! Better watch your feathers. Everyone's trying to cook you for the celebration of New Year's Eve! You know that dude Kenny Rogers? He'll be on your tracks ALL YEAR. Getting caught by him will definitely bring you bad luck.

AT LEAST, you will be called the world's best chicken. Be flattered. You share that title with millions of others.

Dog: You will have bad luck regarding friendships and other important relationships. You might lose Man as your Best Friend. Place lucky gems and all that other sh*t everywhere in your dog house to prevent this.

Pig: You, unlike chicken, are luckier. Guess people don't like your taste all that much anymore. You can now stop living in constant fear of becoming bacon...Oh wait... YOU'RE BACON, RIGHT??? So, yeah, ignore everything I've just said. You being bacon is a curse that you will suffer for another hundred years. Heck, people are so obsessed with your meaty goodness, they're innovating the use of bacon!

AND TO ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!